Hey !
Hope you guys remember me. It’s been quite some-time since I have written anything. The primary reason for an extended breather is that I am sick and tired of writing about college and my life experiences, which happens to be my signature genre. All this while I was searching for a dhinchak topic, and finally, I found one. Well it is one of the most alluring topics of all time. Geo-politics, para-normal, football, showbiz and all are right up there, but I think “Women” beats them quite comfortably. It is certainly not the easiest of topics to write about. Many great souls have tried and failed but I am going to give it a shot. It’s my Great Leap Forward and I can just hope that it does not go the same way it went for Mao Zeodong. I don’t consider myself capable enough to do justice with a topic as matured as this, so I have looked outside for inspiration. This piece is not entirely mine, it has literally got a lot of Chetan Bhagat in it. And by literally I mean literally not figuratively. So let’s kick-start.
Imagine a world without WOMEN.
There are two schools of thought. One believes that the world would have been a much more peaceful place. Some of the most devastating events in the history of mankind would not have happened. For instance, no Ramayan, no Mahabharat and no battle of Troy. Life would have been a lot simpler, atleast we won’t have to study them. Ofcourse, it would have been a tad bit boring too, with those TV series and movies missing from our lives. But that is a different story.
The other school of thought, of which I am also an insignificant part of believes that without women the world would be full of messy, aggressive and egomaniacal males , trying to outdo each other for no particular reason. There would be body odour, socks on the floor and nothing in the fridge to eat. The entertainment industry would die. Who wants to watch movies without actresses? There would be no Bond girls, no penthouse, no playboy, no mujra, no cabre and no item numbers. Virtually all shopping malls will record huge losses. Kids would be neglected and turn into drug addicts or psychopaths by age 10. Soon, all-male world leaders would lose their tempers at the slightest provocation, and bomb the guts out of each other's countries. In short, without women and their sanity, the world would perish.
Well it really doesn’t matter to which school of thought you belong to, WOMEN are a reality. So let me start something about women with a cliché, that Women are complicated. Well it’s not really a cliché, it is a classic. And anyways, a cliché is a cliché for a reason. For this particular reason, I am unable to understand some of their choices. Correction – most of their choices. Be it a glittery pink 15000 bucks cell phone or their hair-colour or for that matter their attire on a special occasion. I respect pink, it gives me that metrosexual look, but I can’t stand a pink laptop, scooty or a pen-drive. The weirdest of all is their choice of Men. I have seen prettiest of girls going out with guys with whom even I would not have gone out, if I was a girl. And by my current looks I would not have been more than a 5. Well few girls do have a good taste, as they like me. Well, I appreciate that, I really do. Another interesting fact is that invariably all women are attention seekers. They love to be adulated. They like it if someone constantly reminds them how beautiful or special they are. This is evident from the fact that they spend hours for getting ready for a stupid visit to a shopping mall. Even the best of friends compete for attention, atleast at sub-concious level if not consciously. One very interesting fact about Women is that they have a very high EQ. They know your intentions better than you know yours. Also, they are emotionally driven, they do things based on how they feel and rationalize their actions to themselves later. A little tip for guys, if you can use this thing to your advantage you will be a lot more successful with girls. But the problem with that is they know it too and they are using it to their advantage for ages. Jab ladki kandhe par sir rakh ke roti hai toh ghanta samajh aata hai kya sahi hai, kya ghalat. Women are supermanagers, they don’t need this over-rated MBA. It really fascinates me how a girl can go on a movie with you, then go to a friend’s party in the evening, still able to call you in the night and you are the one who ended the call because you were feeling sleepy and she goes on to score a 85 in the exam next day. In later stage of life, she balances her work, family, social life with much ease. They are exceptional with managing time, money, work etc. Well, I have more facts about women, specially some data on infidelity and all, but let’s save it for some other day.
They say if you can’t get a girl, then by definition you are a sterile. I am neither a player nor an average frustrated chump. These are few of my tips, take it or leave it, your wish.
1. Never act desperate in front of girls, they can smell it from miles. Even if you are desperate, never show it to her.
2. Tease her with attention. Give her full attention one day, ignore her completely the next day. Chances are she will fight for your attention, but only if your attention is worth fighting for.
3. Keep changing your image between a good and a bad boy. Most girls are attracted to bad guys but gradually bad boys lose their sheen. Once you have made your impression, its better to switch over to a good guy. And by good boy, I don’t mean a wuss.
4. Try staying out of Friend zone. Make your intentions clear upfront else you might end up being “just friends”.
5. Don’t play touchy feely guy, if you are not comfortable with it. If a girl feels that awkwardness, game over.
That’s it for the day. If anyone of you is offended by anything written here, keep it to yourself. I don’t give a damn. I am from Madhya Pradesh, the land of Khajuraho temples, I can screw you in more ways than you can count.
Have Fun.
God Bless J
SOURCES OF INSPIRATION :
Chetan Bhagat’s “Don’t worry, be happy” article in TOI dated July 17, 2011.
Papa CJ (stand-up comedian) for a ripper of a closing line.
